Tears of Two

I realize I have probably posted this poem before, but it has so much meaning to me, and the way I feel about my mother.  I actually wrote it after I had recieved my prison sentence, and it wasn’t life without parole.  Her and I were happy because we knew I would have a chance to experience life outside of prison again. Even though I had recieved 25 years, in which I was suppose to do 12.5, we still had the victory because it could have easily been 50 years or life.

After making it through the storm we had just come out of, we knew God was on our side and we didn’t have anything to worry about. I was content and ready to face the next storm, which was actually doing the time. Moreover, God had already placed Romans 8v31 deep into my heart, therefore, I was fully equipped and prepared to face all things. Glory to God!  All mothers should put God first and give your children to him before they come out of your womb. Place the Word in their hearts when they are young, and although they may stray a bit as they become older, they will always find their way back to the foundation you built them on.

Momma always felt my pain
Though tears it would often bring
Momma always stood the rain

Though tears she’d be slowly crying
Momma never stopped trying
Though inside she’d be slowly dying

Momma always saved the day
Through words of wisdom and knowledge she’d say
Momma always made a way

Through help from the Lord above
Momma filled my life with love
Through the hands of the Lord above
Momma is my soaring dove

All our fears have come to past
Tears of happiness we can cry at last

Spiritual Warfare

Glory to God! The other week I was listening to one of Bill Winston’s sermons called Spiritual Warfare. He starts by reading scripture from Ephesians 6 v10 which refers to putting on the full armor of God because our battle is not with flesh and blood, but with spiritual forces of wickedness. That is a quick paraphrase; you will have to read the entire scripture for yourself. None the less, I had a revelation concerning the beginning of my incarceration and some of the things which led up to it.

I thought about the beginning of my incarceration, and how my mind was all messed up. I always tell people I am a good example of what the word of God can do; just the fact that I am able to hold a decent conversation with someone today is a miracle. I will never forget how my mother and I would sit on the phone for hours at a time praying and her reading scriptures in order to calm me down. I was so paranoid and scared that I would call her back sometimes 10 or 15 minutes after we had just gotten off the phone; I would be frantic and discombobulated that quick. Her voice would give me a peace of mind and sense of comfort. Looking back she was such an amazing woman not to ever get frustrated with me constantly calling, because I thought someone or something was trying to get me.

She would just start reading daily breads, faith to faith books, and scriptures. I remember she would always tell me that even Moses killed someone and God still used him to do his work, and that I wasn’t any different from him. I mean she drilled that into my mind until I started believing it, and using it to help me cope with the horrible thing I had done. As soon as we would get off the phone I would run back to my bunk, read the Bible, and pray myself to sleep. She never gave up on me even though I was draining her mentally, physically, and spiritually by her not being able to physically come and take care of her baby boy. She said the only thing she could do was pray and ask God what to do, and those were the things he told her to tell me and do for me.

I very seldom tell people about the way I felt when I slept at night, and it only seemed to take place at night. It felt like there was a fight going on inside of me that I was semi-conscious of while I was sleeping. I knew something was going on; I use to tell myself that God was fighting for my soul back. I recently had a revelation about what I was going through during those nights.

I had let so many evil spirits into my body and mind with the way I was living and the things I was doing on the streets; I was basically overtaken by them spiritually. I truly believe that the sherm/PCP was a gate allowing demonic spirits to come in and take control of me, and anyone who smokes it. Think about all the crazy things it causes people to do. Then think about what you have seen on TV and heard stories about it seeming to give people super human strength. There was a guy on “Cops” who was fighting several police officers, they kept referring to how the PCP had that type of effect on suspects and how they had to be careful when trying to subdue them. Look at Mark 5: 2-20.

In my opinion, that is the sign of a demon spirit taking over someone. I remember feeling so numb and almost dead to a certain extent while high on sherm. It just seemed to suck the life out of me. I know it might be hard to fully understand what I am talking about, but it really had me doing some things that looking back on weren’t me at all. I am not placing responsibility for my actions on something supernatural, because I take full responsibility for the crimes I committed and the people I hurt. No one told me to ingest such poison into to my system, and no one forced me to live the way I was living. Those were all conscious decisions I made.

We already addressed the fact that fear is not of God and paranoia isn’t either, so where else would these things come from? I got the revelation that there was definitely a fight going on within me spiritually per se. I was too weak spiritually to resist these demons; however, through the word and prayer, they had to come up out of me. My prayer was calling in angels to fight off all the unclean spirits that had encamped inside of me, and they were being replaced with all the word I was reading during the day. I can even remember having visions and mental pictures of these things taking place. Now, I realize that it was the Holy Spirit giving me comfort and letting me know not to be afraid of what was going on. I remember being terrified at first and not even wanting to go to sleep at night, until I received that revelation of what was happening.

I realize this may be a little hard for some to grasp or understand, because it seems like something you would see in a fictional movie or read in a book. However, during the year of 1997, it was my reality and I was living it every day until all the unclean spirits were uprooted out of me, and I was able to think and function again like normal. Honestly, I started functioning better than normal. Ephesians 6 verse 12 sums it up the best, “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”

The worst thing you can do is let the devil trick you into believing that he and his demons are not real. However, the good news is that we have complete power over him and all his minions through the name and blood of Jesus. Look at Matthew 10v1. The only power he has over us is that which we allow him to have when we live in the world and not in the spirit. With all the things going on in the world today, the only true way to secure safety and comfort is giving your life totally to God. Admit Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, then seek God diligently and watch what happens. Look at Hebrews 10v6.

My Sunday Funday!

Ever since I started back to work waking up at 4am, my writing has taken a back seat. However I told myself I will not stop writing no matter what. Last weekend, my fiancé and I took a trip to Forest Park, Illinois in order to visit Bill Winston’s church on Sunday. I definitely had a wonderful time. The revelation that God gave him to turn a mall into a church is extraordinary.

The front side is built like a strip mall which houses a multitude of stores including a K-Mart, grocery store, and a buffet style restaurant to name a few. The actual church is built on the backside of the strip mall and is absolutely amazing. You can leave out the church and access the stores through the inside mall. The church also owns a bank and a Christian business school which is all located in the mall. It is one of those things you would just have to see in order to get a true feel for the setup.

The Holy Spirit was definitely guiding our way while there, because as soon as we arrived in Forest Park on Saturday, we went straight to their Christian bookstore located in the mall. While looking around we somehow indulged in conversation with one of the guys who work in the bookstore; the fact that we were from out of town came up in the conversation. He gave us a 15% discount and also told us to make sure we looked for him on Sunday, so he could have us seated.

The church has so many members that Pastor Bill Winston has to preach 3 morning services. The times are 7am, 9am, and 11am with each one running over into the next. We opted to go at 11am, because the 9am service is usually so full that they have an overflow room where you can watch the service on the big screen if you did not make it early enough to get a seat inside. This man would need a stadium built in order to house all the people from all three services. Moreover, we didn’t have to look far for the guy we meet at the book store, and he held true to his word. He had us wait by a side door to the seating area and told one of the ushers to make sure we got good seats. As the 9am service was letting out the usher first led us to seats a couple rows from the front. Then he came back and asked if we wanted to sit in one of the front rows. I don’t know about my fiancé, but I was ecstatic.

I usually watch his 11am service on the internet on the following Monday of each week, and here I was sitting right in one of the front rows with an up close and personal view. I am so thankful for my fiancé suggesting that we go, and what’s so funny is that it had to be the Holy Spirit that put it on her heart because she don’t even listen to him like I do. God was definitely showing me favor through her. I am telling you, my life has been so much more amazing since I have learned the truth about my blessings in the Kingdom of God and the true meaning of walking in Jesus. Next week I will get back to my regular writing, I just had to share my blessing.

Spiritual Awakening!

Wow! I know it seems like forever since I have written anything in my blog, but I have been busy fighting the enemy. Of course good always prevails over evil and the truth will always shame a lie. Here I am again, so obviously I claimed victory no matter how long it took. I can’t wait to fill you in on what went down over the last month.

The same day I went back to correct my last chapter concerning the circle, and attempted to post another article to clear up some things I had said, my internet just stopped working. Now I must admit the way I was receiving my internet wasn’t 100% the best way to receive it, but it was working just fine up to that point. Immediately, I suspected foul play by the enemy, because I knew what I had to say would illuminate some gray area. Moreover, I wanted to look up this pastor named Bill Winston and download some of his sermons off the internet. The enemy definitely did not want this to happen, and I most certainly know why, which I will explain a little later.

I found out about Bill Winston from a good friend and coworker of mine. He and I started driving to Kokomo for work each day, which was about an hour and fifteen minute drive for us. The only thing he listens to is gospel music, so one day he popped in a tape of Bill Winston’s sermon. Yeah, you heard right, and it kind of took me by surprise because I hadn’t even noticed that a tape deck was underneath the CD player until he popped it in. Well, Bill got to preaching and I got to listening and the rest is history. I hadn’t heard anyone preach as well as teach the word like he was doing. Everything he was saying was backed by scripture, and the truth rang out like a tornado warning to my ears and spirit.

I instantly wanted to get my own audio of his sermons except, I needed CD’s of course. The only dilemma was either you had to get them off internet or travel to Chicago and visit his personal Christian bookstore. As soon as the enemy knew I was about to start listening to Bill he tried to stop me, but only slowed me down and made me desire to hear him that much more. After a couple weeks passed by, I attempted to take my laptop to places where I could pick up the internet and pay for mp3 versions of his sermons. I was able to purchase the material from his website, however, every time I tried to download the mp3 material, I ran into some type of problem. After a couple days of being frustrated with my situation, something said why not try the church’s internet.

Sure enough, I was able to successfully download my material and begin listening to what ultimately changed my life. The following week I was able to get my internet back up and running and have been downloading and listening to Bill Winston almost day and night. All I can say is WOW! I can’t wait to start sharing my new spiritual awakening.

Fear Not!

There are some things that I need to clear up about the “CIRCLE,” I don’t want people to get the wrong ideal about what I was saying. First, I don’t want people to believe that I think God had anything to do with me getting shot in order to teach me a lesson in anyway. God is love and doesn’t operate that way at all. My own fear is what led to me getting shot. The feeling of fear I was having before I got out of prison was not a warning or anything God had placed on my heart. Those were the wiles of the enemy to trick me into thinking I had something bad coming to me.

See I had stopped reading my Bible on a consistent basis several years before I got out of prison. Therefore, I was pretty much running on fumes, spiritually. The word of God is truth and protection. It is the armor you need when facing the enemy that we face on a daily basis. So if you are fighting this enemy on a daily basis, you need to feed yourself some of God’s word on a daily basis as well in order to be fully protected. I guess you could think of yourself as a computer, with all the places that you visit on the internet, you must have some type of protection from virus and other things that can infect your computer, and keep it from working properly. Your spirit is the same way. When you are trying to do the right thing and trying to live your life for Jesus, you are “exposed” to worldly perils on a daily basis. These things eat at you and can infect your spirit if you don’t have the word of God inside to protect you. Therefore you must feed your spirit if nothing more than a couple verses each day to at least have a little protection. The more you feed your spirit the stronger you are, and the more power you have over resisting and defeating the enemy.

Even though I thought I was strong spiritually; I figured I knew the word, however I had been drained because I hadn’t continued to feed my spirit. The enemy saw a perfect opportunity to play on my fear. Now if I had been feeding my spirit the way that I should have, I would have easily been able to say, “Devil you are a liar and a deceiver, I rebuke you in the name of Jesus. I am protected under the blood of Jesus and no harm will come to me.” Then I would have turned to Psalm 23v4 and spoke those words and believed those words, having faith that I was protected from any evil whatsoever. However, my spirit was weak which had an effect on my faith. So even though I tried to comfort myself by saying things like that, it meant nothing to the enemy because I had no power behind it. I had no power behind it because I doubted Gods power of protection. And that was obvious to the enemy because I kept entertaining the thought of something bad happening. I had gone so far as to accept it. Wow! You see what happens when you don’t protect yourself with the word of God, you will fall for anything.

So once I accepted it, the enemy had something to use against me and continue to build on. He had tricked me into giving him power over me, when I am the one who has power over him in the name of Jesus. Knowing I was so weak spiritually, he stalked me until he had me exactly where he thought he wanted me, before he went in for the kill.

Think about it, I didn’t go to Gods house when I got out of prison; I went directly to the enemy’s playground, where he continued to drain me dry. Then when he had me right where he wanted me, he tried to kill me. However, his plan back fired. In the end, God protected me and I took back my power over the enemy when it was all said and done. See the Lord had cleared my slate when I repented all those years ago. And if I would have stayed in my word and kept up to my end of the bargain with my walk with Jesus, then I would have confessed that and not been tricked by the enemy. All of that would have never had to play out in my mind, which eventually made it a reality in order for me to feel vindicated and free again. I mentally placed myself into a circle that I didn’t even have to be in, had I believed and trusted in the word of God with all my heart and soul.

So to all my brothers and sisters in Christ, try not to be like me and place yourself in circles that you don’t have to be in any longer. Believe in your protection through the Blood of Jesus. Confess it and keep it running through you with the word. You shouldn’t have to worry about the circle of life because all the seeds you plant now, are good ones. AREN’T THEY????? If you are saved and believe in Jesus, at no point in your life do you have to live in fear. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies.

The CIRCLE! (Full Revolution….)

Wow! I still get a tingling sensation today when I think about how clear the voice was that started whispering things in my mind, as I lay there stirring in my anger and humility. The first thing revealed to me was the fact that it was finally over. The nightmares, the fear, and anticipation had finally manifested and come full circle. Moreover, I realized the fact that I was still breathing and thinking, which made it not as bad as I had predicted or prepared for in my mind. Then somewhat of a choice was presented to me, I could let my anger and want for revenge play out and pull myself back into the vicious circle I had just completed, or I could just let it go and be happy with a new lease on life.

Of course, without hesitation, I chose a new lease on life which I had already been well into the contract, after signing my life over to Christ. I had already made amends for all the things I did in my former life. I had already reaped the pain, despair, turmoil, suffering, etc., from the things I had sown before my transformation. I had already been planting good seeds up to this point, and was receiving great returns on a daily basis. With the revelation I was experiencing, I felt and knew in my heart that my slate was finally and completely wiped clean. I rejoiced in my heart and mind as the cloud, mentioned earlier, dissipated from my mind, body, spirit, and soul. For that moment, I was in a state of pure bliss. My anger, humility, even my pain had subsided, and the cold steel table now felt like a warm and comfortable bed at the Hilton. Only the hand of God can make a man feel such content and peace during a horrifying experience.

Once the doctors were finished, for the moment, patching me up and stabilizing my wrist, which had been shattered by one of the bullets, they allowed family and friends to come back a few at a time. Actually, that is when the enemy made his feeble attempt to steal everything I had just been blessed with. I was informed that everything was already in motion and my “boys” were on the hunt for the guy responsible. I immediately pleaded for them to get in contact with anyone who was searching for this guy and tell them to leave him alone. I used the fact that I was still on probation and if anything happened to him I would be held accountable in some way, shape, or form. While on probation, they can violate you for the simplest of things and in my case, I would have to go back to prison and serve out the 25 years that the judge had suspended. Fortunately, the young man went into hiding for weeks.

Several days later when I was released from the hospital, I made an appearance back in the hood just to show I was still standing. Many of the guys in the neighborhood just couldn’t understand how I could let someone do that to me and still see him walking the streets. I guess they still hadn’t figured out that prison had produced a more positive and God-fearing man in me; I was no longer the grimy “nigga” they once knew and did dirt with. Needless to say, I loss a little bit of my “O.G.” status in the hood, and I guess you could say my “hood” credibility was tarnished a little. However, I gained something far more precious than any of that foolishness; a peace of mind to live without paranoia or unresolved skeletons falling out of my closet at any given time. I had been blessed with a new sense of freedom to enjoy and explore. Besides, I had received the message loud and clear that my butt didn’t have any business in anyones’ hood.

In conclusion, let  me state again that it had been made quite clear to me that my butt had no business in the hood. Out of all the shots that hit me, why would that last one be so memorable? Well, think about all the times I had been hanging out in places I knew I didn’t have any business, and hanging with individuals I knew would only get me in trouble, yet I did it anyway. I tell you no lie, there’d be times when that little voice would plead and beg with me to stop doing what I was doing, and I’d knowingly and intentionally brushed it off. Well, momma never lied when she use to always tell me that, “a hard head make a soft a**”. Lord knows, my head had been so hard that you could bounce a brick off of it, however, that day my a** was so soft I could have been the poster child for Charmin. So to all my Souljas’ in Christ out there, please listen to that little voice when you’re doing things you know you don’t have any business doing, and it tells you over and over again to stop. Last but not least, be aware of the things that you do and the way you treat people, because the circle of life is a reality that should not be ignored or taken lightly.

The CIRCLE! (Pt. 3 The loop almost complete….)

I remember being very aware and alert as I lay on the cold steel table. I made sure my eyes stayed wide open no matter how much I wanted to just rest, and let the doctors do what they do. I had watched too many movies with people being shot and someone stressing for them to stay awoke. Although I didn’t feel like my situation was as critical as that, you just never know and I wasn’t about to roll the dice with this one. It was actually a weird experience because it’s just like you would watch on TV. You have like 5 or 6 people, in whom you can only see their eyes, and they are: touching, feeling, probing, talking to you all at once; they are also communicating with each other at the same time.

As uncomfortable and painful as many of the things they were doing to me were, I made sure not to put up any resistance, answer all their questions, and respond to all their statements. I remember them flipping me back and forth in order to count all the entry and exit holes on my body, which totaled eight. I remember at some point one of the doctors making the comment of how lucky I was that none of the bullets hit any of my vital organs. I automatically rebuked that statement in my mind, because I knew luck had nothing to do with it. God had just fulfilled his promise of protection to me.

There was one part of all their pushing and probing that will probably haunt me forever. As I lay on my side while they were counting holes, one doctor told me not to be alarmed because he had to stick his finger in my rectum in order to make sure the bullet, which entered the right side of my “glute”, didn’t cause any damage. (I know TMI)  I remember feeling so violated that I wanted to curl up into the fetal position as if I had just been sexually assaulted. You must understand I spent 8 years in the penitentiary; you don’t just let some man stick his finger in your behind without making him stop short of killing you. You fight till the death to protect that part of your manhood. Fortunately, I have a sense of humor and can joke about it now.

Ironically enough, the bullet that hit me in my behind was the last one to enter my body and the only one that truly hurt. All the rest of the bullets felt like little thumps as they pierced my skin. I remember just making it to the car in the driveway and rounding its’ bumper as the final gun shot echoed for what seemed like an eternity. I remember feeling an awful burning/tailbone hurting sensation as my right foot left the ground like I was playing skip to my lou. As my right knee was extended in midair, I remember letting out a scream/ holler that I couldn’t deny even if I wanted to. I think it was at that very point where my fear turned into pure rage, which made me want to chase after this guy and slaughter him in the middle of the street. That same rage manifested itself again when the doctor had to stick his finger in my behind because some young punk had shot me. I was furious as I lay helplessly on that table while someone violated me. However, it was also at that point when the little voice of reasoning, which I had bluntly been ignoring in order to over indulge in my fleshly desires, manifested itself as well. I promise, I can remember like it was yesterday all of the things it was revealing and pointing out to me. Everything started to play back and come together like the ending flashback of a great suspense movie. To be continued…..(I promise this will be the last part, and will contain the whole moral of this rather stomach turning real life event.)